Rant...

Ok, you get to listen to me rant for a little while - hope you don't mind!

I'm in pain, every freakin' day. They call it normal 'round ligament pain' but I call it torture! Sitting hurts, standing hurts, bending over hurts, getting up from the floor hurts. But mentally it hurts too because I'm in the danger zone now - 18 weeks and every single ache and pain sends my mind racing! Is this a contraction? Is the fullness I'm feeling because I'm funneled to the cerclage?

I knew that this pregnancy wouldn't be 'fun' but I was really hoping to keep my exposure a little bit more. I feel like crying. Monday I was sitting on the floor reading books to Arianna (her favorite thing!) and when we were done I tried getting up and my left hip sort of locked up on me and I couldn't get up. It was so painful, for only a few seconds, that I was too scared to move. I screamed and then just started crying - not because it hurt after the initial pain but because I was so scared. I hate being scared that I could lose this pregnancy at any moment - I have no reason to really be worried, so far everything is fine! I'm doing this to myself!

We have our 'big ultrasound' tomorrow. Will finding out the sex help me bond better with my baby? I really want to be surprised on delivery day but will knowing help me have a more 'normal' pregnancy? I'm starting to feel kicks now (despite my anterior placenta) and its very reassuring but I question even those movements - the baby rolls over, is that minute amount of pressure a contraction?

I don't know what will help my anxiety. Therapy? Drugs? No, I won't be taking any medication to help this. I've been through much worse in my life and didn't need medication - I can get through this without causing potential harm to my baby. But maybe its time for therapy again...