Feeling happy?

Any mom who is in a high risk pregnancy can probably relate to this post.

I'm pregnant again - I should be happy and making plans, choosing names, buying clothes etc. But I'm not.

Instead I'm investigating ways to get to the illustrious 40 week point. I'm investigating cerclage and infection rates. Instead of telling family and friends I'm hoping to make it to my next appointment to get the 'plan of action'.

I feel like I can't get excited and happy. I feel like any excitement I may have will get ripped from my heart in one fell swoop... so why set myself up for that? Why get excited when you could possibly have the worst possible outcome?

I knew, going into this pregnancy, that there would be nothing 'normal' about it. But I didn't really think about the stress that would go with it too much. Like my work - what if they don't let me work from home while on bed rest? Who will care for my daughter if I'm on bed rest? Can we afford to keep the nanny that watches her if my work won't let me work from home? How will I get to doctors appointments? Will my husband totally resent not having sex after I reach 15 weeks and get my cerclage? Will our relationship be stressed beyond repair? How will I keep my sanity laying in bed 24/7?

I hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. I wish it didn't have to be that way.